A Conversation With My Dogs

Mafia gathered together using Chihuahua mind-speak.

"What's that thing?"
"I don't know.  I've never seen it."
"Alpha Bro, what's that thing?"
"I remember seeing once or twice, but it's been a long time."
"So what is it"
"I think she uses it on bad dogs to cut their toe nails.  And she told me all y'all have been bad."

Mort breaks from the mafia meeting.
"Mom!  Mom!  What's that thing?!  Do I need to protect you from it?  Alpha Bro said it was for bad dogs."

"Mort, get away from here.  You'll lose an eye."

Cody comes over to Mort as he watches me doing my thing.
"Old Dude, that's a weed wacker. Alpha Bro was messing with you and the puppy again."

Angry, Frustrated, and Disappointed

Angry - I've taught someone how to use my company's software to teach our customer's how to appraise a vehicle.  Numerous times over the last roughly 2 years.  He still doesn't grasp how appraising the vehicle properly - even in our store is necessary.  And if he's not doing it right, that means he's not teaching properly which means his students are probably also doing it wrong.

Frustrated - I then have to go behind him.  Add photos, add the internet price, add the retail price, add the exterior color, etc.  All the things that are needed for when the deal is complete and the vehicle gets put into our inventory.

I've also told him numerous times to handle off schedule classes through our department email so that I'm aware of what's going on.  He's failed to do that.

Disappointed - I'm disappointed in my teaching skills.  If he's not grasping what I'm teaching while we're within 6 feet of each other, that tells me that my students aren't getting it either.  I'm questioning what I'm doing wrong.  He says, "Yeah, yeah, I get it."  I even have him show me after I've corrected him.  And the second I go back to my office it's like he forgets everything I just said.

I got myself so worked up today that I gave myself a headache.

I did point out the problem to our director.  I even forwarded him a recording of the class today that I had an issue with and pointed out the errors.  However, I don't expect anything to be done about it.  I don't think he realizes that I feel bad teaching produces customers frustrated with our software.

*deep breath*  At least I have the weekend to calm down.

Mort Update and Me Update

First, me since it's shorter.  I've been congested for months.  Upper left sinus.  The weather lately hasn't helped.  We've gotten a lot of rain.  I think it started to loosen up yesterday and I finally broke down today and took a Sudafed at 3:30.  Now I'm sleepier than normal, but I feel things moving around and draining.  Hoping that's a good thing.

Now Mr. Mort - Last Tuesday I took him to the vet because he had been in pain and hiding since Saturday or Sunday after dinner.  I've been stuck on it's probably arthritis.  His doctor is keeping an open mind and considering a possible injury.  Which is good that he's doing that.  The pain was left, rear area possibly hip, back, pelvis, knee - back there somewhere.

He was given carprofen once a day for 5 days.  He definitely improved on that stuff.  This Sunday was his last dose.  I would give it to him in the morning.  Monday after work he went to go outside, hopped off the front step as usual.  But then yipped twice, turned right back around and hid under the sofa.
:-(

So he got another dose last night and today I called his vet.  I want to put him on joint supplements to see if that helps.  The only solution his vet has if it is arthritis is long-term carprofen.  And he also suggested we get blood work done on him since it's been 2 years.

I don't know why I'm anti long term carprofen other than I've heard it can cause liver damage.  So I need to do my own research.

I'm hoping the joint supplements will be enough for the little dude.

None of the vet practices in my town have laser therapy.  We'd have to go over to Destin.

Tomorrow I'll get the joint supplements and we'll go from there.

Grief Burst vs Panic Attack

7/7
At about 3:20 or so today I had a panic attack.  I was waiting for my 4 o'clock class, watching something on my PC, looked down at Ma's ring guard and my ring inside it.  And I suddenly had a strong feeling that I needed to flee.

I tried to control it, tried to talk myself down, tried to settle my breathing, looked at the window hoping that would help.  But the flight in me stayed.  I messaged 2 of my co-workers for help.  Feeling guilty about that because both handle phone calls.  Messaged Erika as well.  My 2 co-workers helped calm me down and Erika did too.

But tears ran down my cheeks as I fought this feeling to flee.  I still have no idea why I felt the need to run, or even where I would have run to.  It was so strange.

It took a long while to be completely calm.  I managed to teach my class.  But even know I'm still fighting the tightness in my chest and the tears.

I've had mini attacks before.  Usually in the shower.  All the others were panicking about death.  My mind starts racing about how I won't be able to feel, or hear, or smell, or taste when I'm dead.  And I've always been able to distract my mind before it gets out of hand.

But this one wasn't about any 'thing' - it was just the urge to run.

Next week I'll be calling a bereavement counselor to arrange counseling.  Hopefully, work won't give me grief about this.  This post will help me be able to describe to my counselor what happened.  I think the longer I wait to write it down or tell someone, the less I'll remember.

7/10
I talked to a bereavement counselor today.  What I had Friday was a grief burst.  Same as the ketchup thing.  It was comforting to know it wasn't a panic attack since I didn't know what triggered it.  It's not good to fight them either.  Luckily, work understands so me asking for help or to be left alone depending on the situation doesn't cause me stress.

He's going to give me some things to read through.  He told me to take care of myself and not to worry about anyone else.  So volunteering doesn't have to be something for me to stress over.

I'll be talking to him again.  I didn't get to tell him some things I wanted to.

A journal (or this blog) was also recommended by him.  Glad I started it months ago.  :-)

They Know Me On Bourbon Street

Not sure it was on Bourbon Street, but it involved highly intoxicated people.

Co-worker was there for a mini vacation.  Sees 2 stumbling drunk individuals and helps the guy with his girl.  Guy tells co-worker it's her 21st birthday.

Co-worker, his wife, guy, and his 21 year old girl strike up a friendship.  Co-worker asks guy where he works.  Guy responds in heavy accent, "I work for <removed> VW."  Co-worker, "Oh!  I work for eLead."

Guy, "I took those classes from that Suzuki lady!  She helped me so much!"

Crack me up.

Pink Hats and Ketchup

Sometimes I know it's coming.  I'll be talking about Ma and I'll feel it coming from my gut or my heart, up into my throat, and then the tears come.

Or I'll see a cardinal or a single butterfly.

Other times it just happens without any warning.  Ma put ketchup on her eggs.  I always thought that was weird and I'd tease her.  While visiting my BFF and my brother, we were eating at First Watch - the best coffee EVER - and out of the corner of my eye I saw the red bottle, then I heard the ketchup noise.

Then it happened.  Just mid-talking I start crying.  Not full blown losing it - just a few tears.

Erika wasn't even putting the ketchup on her eggs!  But just hearing the noise and seeing the bottle anywhere near eggs for some crazy reason caused me to miss Ma very much.

Before I went home I stopped at CVS to pick up a few things.  Rounded a corner and got blinded by a sea of pink hats.  I smiled thinking of Ma and her pink hats, but, again, was sad.

In my head I went through the conversation we'd have about my hair.
"Your hair is blue."
"Yes." or if I'm in a snarky mood "It is?!  Are you sure it's not the light?"
"Did you get it colored?"
"Either that or smurfs invaded my bedroom last night."
"It didn't cover your gray."
"I like my gray, remember?"
"How long will it stay like that?  Can they fix it?"
"Ma..."
Then I'd get the look.