Grief Burst vs Panic Attack

7/7
At about 3:20 or so today I had a panic attack.  I was waiting for my 4 o'clock class, watching something on my PC, looked down at Ma's ring guard and my ring inside it.  And I suddenly had a strong feeling that I needed to flee.

I tried to control it, tried to talk myself down, tried to settle my breathing, looked at the window hoping that would help.  But the flight in me stayed.  I messaged 2 of my co-workers for help.  Feeling guilty about that because both handle phone calls.  Messaged Erika as well.  My 2 co-workers helped calm me down and Erika did too.

But tears ran down my cheeks as I fought this feeling to flee.  I still have no idea why I felt the need to run, or even where I would have run to.  It was so strange.

It took a long while to be completely calm.  I managed to teach my class.  But even know I'm still fighting the tightness in my chest and the tears.

I've had mini attacks before.  Usually in the shower.  All the others were panicking about death.  My mind starts racing about how I won't be able to feel, or hear, or smell, or taste when I'm dead.  And I've always been able to distract my mind before it gets out of hand.

But this one wasn't about any 'thing' - it was just the urge to run.

Next week I'll be calling a bereavement counselor to arrange counseling.  Hopefully, work won't give me grief about this.  This post will help me be able to describe to my counselor what happened.  I think the longer I wait to write it down or tell someone, the less I'll remember.

7/10
I talked to a bereavement counselor today.  What I had Friday was a grief burst.  Same as the ketchup thing.  It was comforting to know it wasn't a panic attack since I didn't know what triggered it.  It's not good to fight them either.  Luckily, work understands so me asking for help or to be left alone depending on the situation doesn't cause me stress.

He's going to give me some things to read through.  He told me to take care of myself and not to worry about anyone else.  So volunteering doesn't have to be something for me to stress over.

I'll be talking to him again.  I didn't get to tell him some things I wanted to.

A journal (or this blog) was also recommended by him.  Glad I started it months ago.  :-)