Too Long Between Journal Entries

Far too long and I don't have any excuse.

I love birthdays.  But lately I haven't been wishing anyone on social media a happy birthday.  And the past 2 weeks have been cloudy for me.  Not a full on dark time, but not as happy as I should be.

Ma's birthday was Friday and mine's tomorrow.  I spent Friday with Dad and David.  I always enjoy hearing Dad play his pan.  But when I got home I felt that empty spot in my heart.  Ma's laugh - I miss it so much.  She'd laugh at all my silly unfunny jokes.

Part of me says I'm being selfish for not wishing anyone else happy birthday, but another part of me is saying there are times when I need to be selfish.

I keep saying I need to start seeing a therapist and then I put off making the call.

I have very little energy when I'm at home.  At work I can put on the mask, smile, teach (I do enjoy teaching), but once I'm home, I'm not motivated to do anything.  It's a huge accomplishment to me when I wash the dishes, do laundry, or mow.

I used to not be like that.  My house used to be tidy.  Dishes never piled up in the sink.  Laundry got done each week.  And that hasn't been because of Ma's death.  I was like this before that.  It's been going on for at least spring and summer.  And there's a chance the Citalopram might be part of the cause now that I think about it.

I have an appointment with an ENT in 2 weeks.  Hoping that I'll get help with my sinuses and my snoring.  Maybe that'll help my motivation too.

David jokes about his cancer.  But I'm hoping so very much that the treatment won't be too taxing on his system and that it is curable.

I want to wake up feeling rested.  I want to WANT to mow my lawn and clean/dust my house.

Enough rambling for now - I've got a training document to work on.